Revenge awaits us all someday,
Revenge can pass the time away,
Sneaking, plotting
Scheming, stalling.
For the most wonderful prize of all
Winning falling from above,
Time is like a little dove,
Here one day then gone another,
Trying to find it’s one true love……..no one.
Revenge, Vengeance,
They are emotions from the past.
Only to find that nothing lasts,
So go and mingle with your friends,
But be prepared,
for the end.
You never have anytime,
For all the things that are right,
So when I was in a time of need,
To my call, you did not heed,
If you feel I'm overcome with greed,
simply leave.
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Canary word: Present
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Revenge awaits us all someday,
revenge can pass the time away. The first two lines seem rather unrelated.
Sneaking, plotting
scheming, stalling,
for the most wonderful prize of all.
Winning falling from above
time is like a little dove,
Here one day then gone another,
trying to find its one true love……..no one. I don't really see what these lines, starting with 'winning falling from above,' have to do with revenge or anything else in this poem.
Revenge, vengeance,
They are emotions from the past,
only to find that nothing lasts.
So go and mingle with your friends,
but be prepared took out a comma here
for the end.
You never have any time
for all the things that are right.
So when I was in a time of need,
to my call, you did not heed.
If you feel I'm overcome with greed,
simply leave. I don't see how these lines, the last four are connected with the rest
The emotion of this was good, if you meant it to be all harried and racing, of course. Quite good. But apart from that, after the first five lines this made absolutely no sense to me. Sorry. Maybe I shouldn't say that they made no sense to me, they just didn't make sense in terms of the subject of your poem. I feel like you went off on a completely different tangent. The last two lines are a good example of what I'm talking about. Leaving? Greed? I don't see what it has to do with your subject, or the rest of your poem. Maybe if you broadened the subject a bit. Or, instead of making it sound as though your going to describe greed, which is the impression the beginning gives, make it clear that it's only a part of what you're talking about here, if that makes sense.
Basically, just make it clear that it's not the one focus of the poem, because the way I read it, it wasn't. It does need some work.
Apart from that, just note the capitalization and punctuation changes I made. I don't think you had a period in the whole piece, which maybe did contribute to the racing feeling, I'm not sure, but you do need them. I'm not even sure if I noted the right spots where periods should be, based on the phrasing, but I did what I could, and I hope it helps:)
Good luck and happy editing:)
*adna*
This seemed more like it could've been lyrics to a Chevelle song instead of a poem...but the raw emotion was a nice touch. The emotion was the best part of the piece, actually. It was a little rough around the edges, but I liked how the poem read as if the writer's mind was racing...if it actually was, that is.
hmm..i liked the emotion of this one. the rythm was good. the rhyming was okay, but it would help to have a rhyme scheme. overall, 7.75/10. I don't like it when people say this to me, but i really think you could improve this one by editing!